Paul addresses issues of Copyright Infringement!
Why You Shouldn't Pretend That You Wrote Anything On This Page, You Thievin' Sons-of-Bitches!

I started this page a long, long time ago as a list on  It was basically for the amusement of my college buddies.  The list quickly became enough of a cult hit on the SLU campus and was getting enough hits and links from other sites that I decided earlier this year to give it its own page,

The material on is provided free-of-charge for the amusement of anyone who stumbles into this little corner of the internet.  I don't mind if you link to this page from your own site.  I don't mind if you reproduce the monkey list elsewhere, as long as you ask for my permission and give me appropriate credit.  I don't mind if you start your own monkey list somewhere; I know that mine is better.  What I DO mind is when people steal material from this site and claim it as their own.

With current search engine technology, it is easy to find inappropriate uses of my material on other sites.  My monkey list is filled with so many inside jokes and "you had to be there"s that I can type in virtually any single entry from my list and be able to find it online.  I have contacted many sites and asked them to remove my list, or at least give me credit.  If they refuse, I contact their ISP and have their page taken down.  Simple as that.  Most ISPs take intellectual property theft very seriously, and are happy to remove any violations from their servers.

If you want to use any part of the monkey list, just ask for my permission.  I'll probably grant it, as long as you give me credit, or you link back to this page.

Recently, it was brought to my attention by the kind people at that someone was trying to use my material to get free tickets to one of their performances.  This is the email that I received from Patrick McCarthy of, which he sent to the offender:

Dear Eric W_______,

Regarding your attached email entitled "If I had a Monkey" that you
tried to use to solicit free tickets to performances in the Chicago

In short, Dude you are so busted!
I was reading "your" poem and came across the line:

"Marabou saunter across the plains of Africa.
No, Paul...  Those would be gazelles."

Paul? But I thought this dude's name was eric . . . odd . . .

So just for the fun I sent a part of "your" poem through google's search
engine. It seems you have stolen the work of a gentleman named Paul
Hughes ( and signed your name at the
bottom. You should have noticed that his work is copyrighted (read the
bottom of his page). This makes you a rather bad monkey. This flagrant
plagiarism will cost you 30 monkey points (the exact cost of those four
comp tickets you almost got). Oh well. That's the Internet for you: Easy
come, easy stolen, easy researched, easy busted, easy go.

nice try,

patrick mccarthy

p.s. there really is no such thing as monkey points, i made that part

Eric W________ wrote:

> Patrick McCarthy,
> I would strive to better understand my monkey's unique
> emotional needs.
> I would meditate daily on the necessity of
> self-actualization.
> I would solder my monkey to an electric can opener and
> send him to Namibia.
> I would register my monkey for Selective Service.
> I would force my monkey to service Ernest Borgnine's
> needs.
> at gunpoint.
> I would paint my monkey.
> with lead paint.
> and blowtorches.
> I would sandwich my monkey between creamy layers of
> marshmallow fluff.
> I would buy my monkey a Cowboy Hat.
> I would send my monkey to Lindsay in my stead.
> if he tried anything, I would fuck his shit up with a
> toasteroven and a Belgian.
> I would lace my monkey into an uninflated football and
> sell him to the NFL.
> I would buy my monkey a lava lamp and see to his
> grandmother's daith.

(list truncated.)

> I would house-warm my monkey.
> I would buy my monkey a colander.
> I would try to love my monkey at least a little bit
> more, but I would probably give up, drive to the
> supermarket, purchase three metric tonnes of olive oil
> and lard, drive to the bridge, do thirty pushups,
> stand up and sing for a moment, kick my monkey square
> in the nuts and see to it that his monkey grandmother
> would win the monkey lottery, drive to Cleveland, and
> then I'd be crushed by a giant hamburger that fell
> from
> the sky each and every time that I sneezed.
> Now how about some free tickets?
> Sheesh, hook a brutha up.
> Here's the info:

(personal contact information removed at request of Eric.)

> Thanks again for the Free tickets.

My thanks go to Patrick McCarthy for bringing this to my attention.  It is a perfect example of copyright infringement: someone trying to profit by claiming my material as their own.  I have no problem with people re-creating my material, as long as they give me credit and don't try to profit from it.  Mr. Eric W________ purports to be a big fan of this site, and as such, I have chosen to leave out his personal contact information.  But let this serve as a warning to anyone who tries to claim material on this site as their own: you will be found, and you will suffer the legal consequences.  As an author and webmaster of, intellectual property theft is something that I am quite vigilant in pursuing and ending.

My legal team of Marabou and Murphy is presently discussing my options in pursuing legal action against Mr. W_______.  I have not yet decided whether to let this one go, since it was such a flagrant abuse of my trust and my material.

In closing:
1.) Don't use my material without my permission.
2.) Don't use my material without giving me credit as author.
3.) Don't use my material to profit.
4.) If you violate this trust, you will be found and legal action will be taken against you.
5.) Enjoy the site, but don't pretend that you wrote it.

Thank you for your time and your support.

Paul Hughes,
author of "If I Had a Monkey..."

copyright 1996-2005 Paul Hughes.