ALL
NEW! ALL NEW! ALL NEW wicked cool and totally awesome
Reader Submissions!
Yes! That is Correct, Sir! You, too, can send
in a Monkey List and have it appear here! The emphasis here is on
LIST... All suggestions are appreciated, but please submit a list
of AT LEAST TEN ITEMS if you want to appear on this page! (How many
more times can I say it? TEN. TEN. TEN. TEN FUCKING
ITEMS. at least TEN ITEMS. Preferably TWENTY, but TEN will
do. Maybe even MORE THAN TWENTY. You have it in you, don't
you, Champion?) Please include your "name" and "location" as well.
WE ARE COMING TO GET YOU.
Steve Walker and Michael Tolson of San Diego, CA say:
IF I HAD A MONKEY...
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I'd duct tape him face-to-the-wall.
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Tickle him with an ostrich feather.
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Poke him with a thin twig.
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Spoon-feed him apple sauce.
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Give him a swingline stapler for his birthday.
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Teach him to pick-pocket.
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Serve him as Thanksgiving dinner(w/ fava
beans and a fine chianti).
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Throw MY poop at HIM.
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Find a midget to ballroom dance with him.
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Lipstick, a g-string, and a baby bonnet
(pasties too).
Christy Arven of Crestview, Florida, says:
IF I HAD A MONKEY...
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I would keep it forever.
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I would take it on walks.
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I would take it shopping.
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I would let it tear up my room.
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I would name it poopster.
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I wouldlet it kick everyone's ass in Crestview,
Florida.
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I would train it to love the sun.
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I would take it traveling.
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I would protect it.
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he would be the coolest monkey ever.
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I would let it give my boyfriend a spanking
on da ass.
Mitch (4Hoopers@cox.net) says:
IF I HAD A MONKEY...
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I would breed him with turtles and make
monkey turtles
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My monkey turtles would shoot gay people
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I wouldn’t really give a shit
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I would cut off his ears and stuff cocaine
in the holes for handy storage
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I would teach my monkey the ancient art
of poledancing
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I would give my monkey a cell phone and
then take it away for jacking off with it
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I would shove up the cell phone where
the sun don’t shine
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I would impale him, then proceed to roast
said impaled monkey, only to spit out a chunk and say “Holy SHIT that’s
nasty!”
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I would give my monkey a manicure
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When his nails looked nice and pretty,
I would cut them off with a rusty dildo
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I would then suck said rusty dildo
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I would love my monkey long and hard
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I would then cheat on my monkey and go
on Jerry Springer so I could beat his bitch ass up on television
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I would shave my monkey and use his hair
to make toupees which I would sell at ridiculously high prices
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I would eat raspberry gelatin right in
front of him and he would get jealous and shoot me
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Twice.
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I would feed him a basketball, then inflate
it with helium and sell tickets for people to see “THE INCREDIBLE FLOATING
MONKEY”
Marisa from Florida says:
IF I HAD A MONKEY...
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he would sing like Jim Morrison.
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he would date Anna Nichol Smith.
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he listen to Muzak all day.
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he would advise George Bush to get his
head out of his butt.
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he would know where every girl Ted Bundy
killed is.
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he would be the only surviving conjoined
twin.
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he would own Canada.
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he would advocate legal interspecies marriage
for my boss.
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he would have a tattoo under his tongue.
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he would fly an F-14 badly.
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he could speak Mandarin.
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he could outrun a cheetah.
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he would be named Cheetah.
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he would be an alcoholic.
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he would drown kittens in beer.
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he would eat cactus.
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he would hot wire cars.
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he would enjoy docking the tails of newborn
bulldogs with his teeth.
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he would be able to spell every word in
the dictionary.
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he would win the Nobel Peace Prize.
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he could dance like Fred Astaire.
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he would be Robin Williams' son.
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he would mow the lawn with his eyelids.
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he would have tuberculosis.
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he would be an intergral player in local
government.
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he would write for the New York Times.
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he would catch a giant squid alive.
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he would suck on garbage bags and toilet
plungers.
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he design WMD.
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he would wear a turban that was wrapped
too tight.
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he would have only one toe.
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he be able to sign ASL with his tail.
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he would be you.
oddbodkins from Arlington, VA says:
IF I HAD A MONKEY...
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I would have him de-seed my pot.
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I would get him hooked on phonics.
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I would teach him the dance of the seven
veils.
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I would make him do keg stands.
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I would tell people he was my mute, hairy,
midget brother.
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I would have him break dance for quarters
on the corner.
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I would hide him in the girl’s locker
room to take revealing pictures.
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I would send him to 7-11 to buy lottery
tickets and scare the locals with his poop throwing fits.
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I would instruct him in the art of ninjitsu.
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I would ask him to only kick it old school.
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I would take him to a topless revue.
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I would smoke him up.
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I would leave all my troubles behind.
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I would probably bake more banana bread.
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I would begin my career in crime fighting,
knowing I now had a trusty sidekick (since they always get killed first)
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I would never give another dime to Sally
Struthers.
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I would not allow him to groom my pubic
hair. At least, not often.
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I would go out and laugh at all the people
who told me I would never have a monkey.
Frank W. from Gainesville, FL says:
IF I HAD A MONKEY...
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I would make him work a crapy computer
support job for no pay.
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I would show my monkey platonic love and
then rape him with a beanbag chair.
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My monkey would live in waterworld and
not know how to swim.
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I would shave my monkey.
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I would calibrate my monkey 5 degrees
from dead center.
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I would dress him as trailer trash and
take him to my favorite club for drinks.
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I would teach my monkey the how to play
golf then pummel him with my 7 iron.
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He would vote for himself as a write in
candidate for president and win.
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I would assassinate him from the grassy
knoll.
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I would make monkey watch queer eye for
the straight guy marathon then castrate him.
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He would be at my side forever.
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I would tell him that the Teletubies were
gods. And the TV guide was there bible.
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I would have him surgically altered to
have opposable thumbs.
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He could then open by beer with out making
a dam mess. Bad monkey no doughnut.
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He would be the keeper of my soul.
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I would tie dye my monkey.
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I would make him move once a month and
give up all the possessions that he had accumulated.
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He would be an army of one.
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I would solder my monkey's tongue to a
carburetor of a 79 Camaro and force him to hum gospel hymns from his Teletubie
religion.
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I would subject him to squalor.
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I would make him Chili form an old family
recipe made from his family.
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EAT IT ALL YOU DAM DIRTY APE.
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I would trick out my monkey.
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My monkey would wear only designer cloths,
purchased off the back off a truck from my friend Geoff.
What would YOU do if YOU had a
MONKEY?
SUBMIT
YOUR MONKEY LIST TODAY!
Please remember to include:
1.) at least
TEN
items. 2.) "name." 3.) "location."
and no copyrighted, racist, or anti-Libertarian
stuff, you little fucksticks. :)
Don't see your list here? Well
then you didn't follow the fucking rules, genius!
copyright 1996-2005 Paul Hughes.